i have recently accomplished something in my job that not only it hasnt been achieved in my company before, it probably beats everything my boss has ever done too. i heard people telling me i should be happy, be proud of myself and probably can boast a little bit too. in fact what i have achieved is so amazing that i never have it as my goal. it is too astonishing for me to believe it can happen.
however the truth is i dont feel any happiness inside me. i wanted to feel good but all in my mind is what has to be done to complete such a monumental project. i also know the struggle and problems i have face, and how much torture i am going to take along the way, AND THIS IS ONLY FOR THE FORESEEABLE PART. i know life is tough and i know the virtue of no pain no gain, but i know i really REALLY dislike what i am doing. if i feel no happiness on a day where i have every reason to celebrate, what hope do i have?
the real me is to live simple. i can live just as happily with much less. it is just everyone surrounding me is asking me to deliver so they all live luxuriously. i am only taking a free bus ride. i delivered the goods and i know i can deliver even more. just it is never rewarding to me. i live for others, but no one live for me. i am asked to stand for everyone else but no one will ever stand for me if i ever needed.
i am exhausted and i am so hurt, and that is before i get to work on my year's worth of projects. what the living hell am i working for, and what the fxck i am living for?
just shoot me.
